View Quote [as Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate]
Centurion: Hail Caesar!
Pontius Pilate: Hail.
Centurion: Only one survivor, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Ah. Thwow him to the floow.
Centurion: What, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Thwow him... to the floow.
[the lead centurion nods to the others who are carrying Brian, so they will throw him to the floor according to Pilate's orders]
Pontius Pilate: Now... What is youw name, Jew?
Brian: Brian, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Bwian, eh?
Brian: No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!
Pontius Pilate: Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Centurion: Has what, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Spiwit.
Centurion: Yes, he did, sir.
Pontius Pilate: [confused] No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...
Centurion: Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]
Pontius Pilate: So... You dawe to waid us?
Brian: To what, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
Centurion: [slaps Brian again; then, mocking Pilate's Rhotacism] Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?
Pontius Pilate: What?
Centurion: Thwow him to the floow again, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...
Brian: I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
Pontius Pilate: A Woman?
Brian: No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]
Pontius Pilate: So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian: He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]
Pontius Pilate: ...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!
Brian: Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]
Pontius Pilate: Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he...
Pontius Pilate: No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!
View Quote [Brian is caught graffiti-ing a wall]
Centurion: What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse"?
Brian: [terrified] It... it says "Romans go home".
Centurion: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? [Brian hesitates.] Come on, come on!
Brian: "Romanus"?
Centurion: Goes like...?
Brian: "Annus"?
Centurion: Vocative plural of "annus" is...?
Brian: "Anni."
Centurion: [writing] "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
Brian: "Go".
Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go".
Brian: Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Centurion: So "eunt" is...?
Brian: Third person plural, present indicative. "They go".
Centurion: But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?
Brian: [getting his earlock pulled, increasingly panicked] Ah, imperative?
Centurion: Which is…?
Brian: Uh, uhm, "i"! "I"!
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!
Centurion: [writing] "Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”
Brian: Dative? [centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat] Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum".
Centurion: Except that "domus" takes the…?
Brian: The locative, sir?
Centurion: Which is…?
Brian: "Domum"!
Centurion: "Domum". [writing] "Um". Understand?
Brian: Yes, sir.
Centurion: Now write it out a 'undred times.
Brian: Yes sir, thank you sir, Hail Caesar sir. [calming down]
Centurion: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Brian: Oh thank you sir. Thank you sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir.
[at sunrise the wall is covered in writing]
Brian: [exhausted, finishing the last line] Finished!
Centurion: Right. Now don't do it again.
[Brian climbs down the ladder, steps back and surveys his handiwork. Three Roman centurions appear, look at the wall, then turn to Brian in anger. Brian looks at them; his eyes widen in realisation as he runs away and they give chase]
View Quote Reg: [reading prepared statement] "We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."
Brian: What?
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites..."
View Quote [the members of "The People's Front of Judea" are sitting in the amphitheatre; Stan has just announced that he wants to be a woman and wants to be called "Loretta," and is explaining why]
Stan: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?!?!
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But ... you can't HAVE babies!
Stan: Don't you oppress me!
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?
View Quote Mandy: Who are all those people?
Brian: A few friends, popped by for a second.
Mandy: Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there.
View Quote Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
PFJ Member: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace? SHUT UP!
View Quote Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!
Crowd: [in unison] Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
Crowd: [in unison] Yes, we are all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
Crowd: Shhh!
View Quote [the People's Front of Judea are breaking into Caesar's palace. However, they become distracted by the Campaign for a Free Galilee, a rival organisation with the same plan, and a fight breaks out]
Brian: People, we should be struggling together.
PFJ member: [in a headlock] We are!
Brian: No, we should be rising up against the common enemy.
All: The Judean People's Front?!
Brian: No, no, the Romans!
View Quote [The audience members at the back of the crowd are having trouble hearing the Sermon on the Mount.]
Man: I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!
Gregory's wife: What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.
View Quote Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Ah, no. Freedom.
Nisus Wettus: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus: Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!
Nisus Wettus: [laughing] Oh, I see, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left.
View Quote Mandy: So you're astrologers, are you? Well what is he then?
Wise man: Mmmm?
Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise man: Well, Capricorn.
Mandy: Ehh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise men: He is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews.
Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise man: No, no, no. That's just him.
Mandy: Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.'
View Quote Brian: I'm not the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!
Crowd: Hail, Messiah!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
Woman: Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!
Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me?! All right, I am the Messiah!
Crowd: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, **** off!
[Silence]
Arthur: How shall we **** off, oh Lord?
Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
View Quote Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir.
